As adoptive parents we have gotten our fair share of strange, intrusive, rude and rather personal questions and comments from strangers and mere acquaintences (family and close friends are supposed to ask questions...because they care)
Now that we have been matched with our daughter and are obviously much more public about our adoption the comments and questions have increased.
As we encounter these comments, questions and people, and begin to have to provide answers of one type or another…I am trying to think of how these questions and comments…but more importantly MY answers will have a profound affect on my daughter.
When a mere acquaintance at work asks me “Why did her Mother not want her?” I want to say…”That is none of your damn business”, or something to that effect. But not only the question but MY answer to that will have an affect on how my daughter feels about herself and her Taiwan Mother.
When someone asks “How much does it cost to buy a Chinese baby”, I want to react with an equally rude answer. Giving a rude answer to someone who would ask that rude of a question would certainly make ME feel a whole lot better about it. However, it WON’T make Olivia feel good about it…and that is what is most important.
When we are asked specific information about Olivia’s Taiwan Mother, it seems easy enough to just give the details we have. But is that fair to Olivia? That is HER Mother. That is HER story. How is it fair to tell others her story before she is old enough to not only know it, but decide if SHE wants to share it?
So we have chosen to start “practicing” these responses now. When it is easy and there isn’t a sweet little 5 year old standing with us who our answers will have a profound effect on. When we get the rude questions or comments, our reactions are for Olivia’s sake…not our own…and not for the person asking the question.
We are practicing responses that will make Olivia always feel comfortable about being adopted, about being Chinese, about being a part of our family, and about being a part of her Taiwan family. The quick and easy answer will not always accomplish this end…so we are trying to get our mind set focused that way now…so we are prepared.
Such is our life as adoptive parents, and the lives of Olivia’s grandparents, aunts and uncles or babysitters….pretty much anyone who will ever be in public with our daughter and may face these questions and comments.
Here are some of the things that have been said to Pauly or I at some point during this process…just listing them here makes my blood boil…hence the need for rehearsal of how to answer these in front of our daughter so I DON’T react in anger.
Why don’t you adopt one of the millions of kids here in the US?
Isn’t it a shame the way they just throw their girls away?
How could anyone hurt these little babies?
Wow you are such good people for doing this!
How nice that you would let a child like that into your home!
Are you having any second thoughts?
I will only remember the Olivia part of her name because the other part is too foreign.
Why doesn’t her Mother want her?
How much did she cost?
What does your husband think of this?
Oh, can’t you have your own kids?
Why don’t you want your OWN kids?
Don’t worry; you’ll get pregnant as soon as you get back from Taiwan.
You’ll see, after you bring her home you’ll want one of your OWN.
Why wouldn’t you want to HAVE a baby?
That is weird that you want to adopt.
Aren’t you afraid you won’t be able to love her like your OWN?
She is so lucky. Imagine what her life would be like if you didn’t adopt her.
This is all I can remember off the top of my head. Trust me…with waiting over 2 years so far…the list could go on and on and on and on.
So wish us luck in becoming calmer, more dignified people in uncomfortable situations. I for one, know this is going to be hard!!!
Monday, December 08, 2008
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15 comments:
What a great post! Wendy and I have been getting the same questions since we decided to adopt from Taiwan and have really been struggling to come up with polite answers. Good luck!
I can't imagine what people are thinking when they feel it's ok to ask those questions. To think of your daughter's feelings ahead of your own in forming your answer...
that's being a fantastic parent, and Olivia is lucky that she's a part of your family.
You're one step ahead of the game for thinking through your responses to the ugly and inevitable remarks.
It was great to meet up with you at the mall. I can't wait to see Olivia in her new outfits.
You are so good. I havent worked on my composure part. I actually do change the subject if I dont want to answer, and I only say that her birthmom is young. That is it end of story. I often get, why do you want a baby from Taiwan when you have your own? SHE WILL BE OUR OWN.. haahaa,. Maybe we should write a book Heather.
LOL
Lisa R.
I know, I know, I know....uggg, it's so hard to find the right answer. And you really have to be nice when those little ears are listening!
Julie
Wow, big topic, and one (of course) that I've thought about constantly since 2004 when we decided to adopt from China.
Many of the questions you list we've heard, though some of them just boggle my mind. ;)
One thing you may find as you get further into adoptive parenting (at least we have) is that the questions actually bother you less. I hear them so often, I've had to do a bit of soul-searching and decide to assume the best about people, that maybe they are just looking for a way to connect with us because they think Jarrah is cute, and people are naturally curious and don't realize that their curiosity isn't neutral and can hurt us. They don't know my long, sordid history, or even that what they're asking is way too nosy.
Even though Jarrah is almost four, most of the time I still answer for her because I don't want her to feel like she's on the spot. I tend to be a bit terse, answering only what I'm asked, but I try to smile so Jarrah doesn't think I'm uncomfortable--after all, she herself is not the least bit uncomfortable talking about being from China, and I want her to know that her backstory brought about a positive connection in all our lives and that's all she needs to think about at the moment.
Anyway, it is hard sometimes, and I do end conversations that get too kooky (someone recently asked us, "How many ounces did she weigh at birth?") but mostly, I am used to it and with Jarrah by my side, the former fury and indignation has subsided.
All the best to you guys, and can't wait for you to be with Olivia! :)
I find the best answer to stupid questions is literally, "Why do you ask?" It puts that person back on the spot. Whether you adopt or have a child on your own, you are going to be faced with idiots. If you are pregnant, its "were you trying" and if you adopt, "can you have your own?" Sometimes the route of their crazy question maybe not such an evil one. They could be contemplating a decision themselves and you may be the only real life contact they have met...if you ask why, you may just find out. Best wishes to you! Its a crazy ride, but certainly a fun one!
Isn't it crazy the things that people will say? We get asked a lot how much it cost... it doesn't really bother me except when people word the questions as if we bought our daughter.
We started with Asian countries and ended up doing a domestic adoption of a caucasian child. I've heard over and over again how lucky I am to have a white child, as if we would have been settling if we had adopted an Asian child. It drives me nuts!! I always say that we love our daughter very much no matter where she comes from or what she looks like. But people who say things like that will never understand.
Like you, I am trying to keep Kaylie's story her own. Even though she is only a baby, I do answer questions by saying that her birth parents love her very much and I leave it at that. What makes strangers think they need to know these details?
Can I also say I HATE, HATE, HATE when I hear people say "If we don't get pregnant we can just adopt." You don't JUST adopt. Ugh.
Sorry - my comment has turned into a post. :-)
AMEN AND AMEN!!!! We recently got asked why we need help to BUY A BABY!!! By my cousin! I seriously wanted to answer him with something snide and rude. But most of you know about this!
Sarah k
We have gotten these questions, too and I have tried to think of good responses. It actually keeps me up some nights. I have yet, to come up with answers that satisfy my conscious. What do you think of doing a post with good answers to each of these questions? We could open it up and people could leave the answers they have thought of?
How much did she cost??? Priceless will always be my answer!!!
I have had all of those things said to me. I really love being told what a nice person I am and how lucky our daughter will be!!
Best to be prepared, because it will happen.
Ugh....unfortunately these types of intrusions, be them well intended or ill informed, are more common than most of us would like.
I think that the fact that you are practicing ahead of time is HUGE & will be a blessing to you all as time goes by. I also liked and have used in a polite way, whoever said, "why do you ask?"
Often upon hearing about our adoption news, folks will somtetimes say," God Bless You" ; my response always is:
"He already has."
We also practiced telling Lauren "her story" when she was just an infant; just as it can be critical to be prepared to answer outsiders questions, its also critical to be prepared to answer our little ones' questions in a calm, joyful way that honors their heritage, self worth and birth family. I felt ridiculous in the beginning, but practiced many a long night rocking her to sleep....it felt stinted and 'off' at first, but now its just our story.
Heather....fantastic post. There really are no right or wrong reponses to those types of questions and sometimes it is okay to just say, " its personal".
Lisa C.
This is a great post. I also struggle with how to answer and would like to really give it to the person asking sometimes but I know that is not the best response. We don't have our referral yet (hopefully sooN!) but we have been talking about how we will respond to this terrible remarks and questions, but it is hard and want to do the best for our future daughter.
Heathy - as you know I have gotten all sorts of questions in my life as an adopted child. As have you over the years if you think about as we grew up what kids would ask us about being sisters. (even though some people thought we were twins)I have always been very open and curious about being an adopted child. I personally would be honest with people about what I knew about my birth mother. Which until I was an adult was not much. Only that she was young and lived in Florida and that she had a boy before me that she had kept. I now know a lot more. People just don't get it no matter what you say to try to explain it to them. You and Paul know why you are adopting and how wonderful it is going to be, you, Paulie and Olivia Hsin-Hua Lin. I admire you for planning ahead but people who have no clue will still have NO Clue! It is hard as someone else had said "you really have to be nice when those little ears are listening!" You go girl! Always being the better person is the better path to take, even though you might just want to stomp on their toosies!
Love ya! Steph
Thanks for posting this. It is so true. Someone in my family said about my just adopted daughter "Her eyes are prettier than I expected"!!
Michelle C, AL
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